Why is it that most couples end up in therapy or counseling of some variety when their marriage gets so confusing and painful that they can’t bear it themselves? There is an assumption that a third party will somehow be able to save a marriage by doing some of the work. So, how does this really work for them?
Many people go into the sessions expecting someone else to shoulder some of the work of getting the marriage back on the road of happiness. This is an unrealistic expectation as no one can do the actual work that leads to the restoration of a marriage besides the married people themselves.
People that go into their sessions expecting the therapist or counselor to validate their own thoughts and feelings and fix the problems that they see in their mate are the ones that come out disappointed. What a therapist really provides is objectivity, not validation. The mindset has to be different if this approach is going to work for the couple.
This is not what a therapist is there to do. They are not going to take sides, mainly because there is no one person who is right in a marriage. Problems are a collective mess and both people have some things they are doing wrong and some things they are doing completely right.
Marital problems are always deeper than someone not taking out the trash or constantly being late for dates. What the therapist wants to do is get beneath all the squabbling and figure out what is really driving all the unhappiness and ultimately wrecking your relationship.
There are deeper issues driving those petty arguments, and until those are fixed you will continue to fight over every little thing.
Couples who go into therapy knowing that finger pointing is useless and they both have their own flaws have a higher chance of success. Both people have to be willing to put their own defensiveness aside and just listen to one another.
Let’s consider an example. A man goes into a session and hears his wife saying how lonely she is. He feels this is an attack on him for not being home and he starts saying how he is the one always working and she just sits at home. She is now defensive as well. Yet, what would have happened if he just heard that she was lonely and did not make it about his work pattern? What if he just simply listened?
In order to save a marriage with the help of therapy, this husband would have to be willing to quietly listen to his wife talk about the loneliness without automatically assuming it is directed as an assault on him. He has to listen selflessly for it to work.
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