One reason men and women leave relationships is “projection.” Say, for example, you wake up one morning and feel bad. You perhaps aren’t used to owning or taking responsibility for your feelings, you don’t normally acknowledge “Wow, I feel bad this morning. I have feelings of heaviness in my jaws and stomach and I have feelings of depression and bleakness.” Most of us weren’t trained to “own” our own feelings in so honest a way. So instead, you look for the reason you feel bad, and there, lying right next to you in bed, is a likely one.
It is obvious! She is not paying as much attention to me anymore. She has also gained ten pounds. No wonder I feel sad and depressed. It is her fault!
So before her first cup of coffee he feels justified to elbow her awake and start in on her: “Hey, do you have to work so much? Why don’t you ever take time to be with me?”
Projection demonstrated why so many relationships break up. We (men and women) start to blame others for our own negative emotions. We aren’t trained to own or be responsible for our feelings.
Jim has been feeling off lately. He tells Janey he isn’t too happy, and is falling out of love with her. Now, what’s happening in reality is that Jim is having some feelings of ennui and emptiness. In the emotional journey that all lives are, “emptiness” has come up for him. It is a feeling we all get as human beings from time to time. He could honestly say to himself “I am having feelings of emptiness. I notice nothing seems to be very exciting lately. Everything, including my love life and work life, seems dull and listless. What an amazing feeling to have!”
He could OWN his feelings, but he’s never been trained how to do that! He certainly wasn’t taught that in school. By “owning” or acknowledging these feelings to himself, he could begin to integrate them, instead of keep them in his unconscious (the Shadow Side of his psyche). He could become more whole and less split. But no! Most of us are “taught” that if you feel bad, you need a better toothpaste, a new car, a sexier playmate, something outside yourself.
Let’s discuss the Shadow Side of the self for a moment. That is the part of our psyche, our subconscious, where feelings we couldn’t “own” get “stored.” When we can’t own a feeling, we split it off to the Shadow Side. Good girls who never get angry, for example, probably have a large Shadow Side of suppressed anger and aggression. Many men also will be generally calm and collected and supposedly “in control.” Then something happens like dinner isn’t ready and they completely blow their tops, screaming and smashing things about. Hello, Shadow Side!
So projection will often cause men to leave a relationship and feel like they are falling out of love. Can you get them back when this has happened? Sometimes, but it is a hard row to hoe, and you will need patience and probably some counseling!
You can discover more about this and other Immediate Reconnect Methods to get your ex back in a book about Making Up With Your Ex In 1 Day. Joanie S Angel teaches classes on relationship intelligence and you can get more relationship advice here at Get Ex Back.
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